"That which does not kill you makes you stronger" Friedrich Nietzsche

Yesterday morning Carlo stopped by for a visit.  I did chores, then headed to town to pick up Christina and Tristan for a visit.

Tristan got a haircut, and he is freakishly adorable (of course)  I'll get a couple pictures next time.  I didn't think of it yesterday cuz Stina and I were busy.  Mark had brought the two suitcases full of pictures from dad's house so that Stina and I could dig, looking for info for my ongoing genealogical project.  My ex's family had money, so there are tons of pics going back to 1870's.

Unfortuanately most of them have nothing written on them.  Man that's frustrating! We did find a few wedding announcements, funeral announcements, and even a couple letters with family tree info in them, but not a whole lot.  It was fun anyway though..... Stina and I got a kick out of some of the fuglier relatives.  Seriously, my ex's father's, fathers, father's mother was SO ugly, my ex and I used to threaten to hang her picture up to keep the flies out of the house. *grin*

Funny thing is that she married a very handsome man... and luckily, my ex's grandfather looks like him.

I scanned a ton of about 20 pages of pictures and info and when that was all finally printed, I logged onto ancestry.com so I could do more digging and adding to my trees.  And I couldn't log in.  I STILL can't log in!  Apparently they are having some kind of issue that they haven't managed to fix yet.  And I find that ridiculous.... they are one of (if not THE) largest genealogy websites, and they can't get an issue resolved in 24 hours!?  You've got to be kidding me?!  Mkes me wonder about their tech geeks.  I would think that their subscription rates would enable them to have excellent tech support.  *sigh*

So, I suppose my family tree will just have to wait.  In the meantime I've been googling, looking for likely sources of info.  It's amazing what you can find online... really. 

The weather here has been stormy and variable as is usual for late fall here.  Today is actually dry, and I have been doing some yardwork between research online. You know... while waiting for things to load. *grin* 

Darbi has a job interview today (keep your fingers crossed) then she's coming home to clean the chicken house.  She likes doing that.  She sounded all excited about both this morning.

And since I really should get back to work, I'm going to close rather abruptly. Seeya!

Friday Christina finally made it over to go riding for awhile. (She'd been telling me all week she was coming)  We had a blast, as usual.  When she got here, I had the horses caught and tied at the hitching rail, and I had Muse saddled for myself.  She quickly saddled Six and off we went.

The sun was shining, but there were clouds all over.  We rode up into C&D's field and saw that all the low mountains on the other side of the Gorge had snow on them down to about 1200 feet.  It was gorgeous! then we cut through the back to John's field, and headed northwest to his largest field.  By the time we got over there, a thick cloud was dropping on our heads.

It hailed while we wandered around after three does in the woods, marveling at how they disappear into the brush.  Out in the field, we climbed the hill to check out the veiw, which was stunning as always.  The fog/clouds had covered up all of civilization, and we rode around talking of what it would be like right where we were, if suddenly it was 150 years prior. 

The hail hadn't lasted long, but it was getting colder and darker too.  We headed back the way we came, riding a few laps around a different field to get a different view.  The clouds kept getting lower, and piling up.  Looking at Christina I realized that all her hair was standing on end!  Uhh... yeah, time to head for the woods, at least! 

We didn't have any lightning or thunder, but it began raining, and the wind picked up.  We got back here after dark, unsaddled and blanketed the horses and came inside to have a bit of Southern Comfort by the fire.  Alan even went to the liquor store for us.  Now we have peppermint schnapps for hot chocolate in thermos' while riding, as well as more SC. *grin*

The weekend kinda sucked after that.  Saturday, everyone worked.  I did a bunch of sewing, cleaned house, made dinner.  When everyone got home we ate, and watched very bad movies.  I kid you not, I was so disgusted I went back to my book without finishing either of them.

But perhaps part of that is my mood, which is decidedly freakin depressed.  I can't remember ever being so depressed for so long.  I'm blaming quitting smoking.  I was bad before I quit, but I'm far worse now and it's getting tough to deal with. 

I've gained weight.  I don't feel like doing ANYTHING except sleep, and eat.  UGH.  Part of it is hormones, I'm sure.... my period is late (which is normal lately) and my boobs are so damned sore it's not funny.  Being female blows sometimes.  Bad.  I'll be SO glad when I have finally gotten through to the actual menopause part.  It's coming.  I feel it.

I've been trying really hard to eat right and I've been failing miserably at that, though I have been better about taking my vitamins.   And I'm sure being lethargic is part of the reason I also don't feel too great.  Its a vicious circle. A rut.  And it sucks.

Alan keeps asking me if I'm okay.  I told him the other day that like Forest Gump said, "Life is like a box of chocolates" only in this case, I never know WHO I am going to get.

This too shall pass.  I know it will.  But that doesn't make it any easier to be me right now.  *sigh*

Stina, Steven, and Tristan came over for dinner last night.  I was in the pantry standing on stool, looking for brown rice when they arrived, .  I looked down to see Tristan peeking in the door with a huge smile on his face. He's so damn cute.

He doesn't get to go in the pantry alone, so naturally it fascinates him.  He is very good about not going in there, cuz Grandma spanks him when he does. *grin*  But I sometimes carry him in to watch what I am doing.  Like flipping over pieces of chicken in the microwave.  He says "chicken" much more clearly now.

Then he pointed to jars, and I told him what was in them.  He likes to say "pickle".  Cute.

Later in the evening, Tristan pulled several of us to the table, sat each of us in chairs, then proceeded to call attention to body parts.  He'd raise his hands above his head, saying "hands" and we'd all show him our hands.  He'd say "nose", pointing, and so would we.  It was so cute. 

I love listening to him.  I love his sweet little voice, trying so hard to say words that usually don't come out quite right.  He tries so hard, and talks so much.  Obviously he is saying something, but it's not working.  Sometimes I feel bad for him.  But I love listening.  It always makes me smile.

Yesterday I mucked around in The War Room, re-organizing it from weaving studio to sewing room.  This had the added benefit of allowing us access to the reloading bench as well.  And I began sewing.  Aprons.  I made three new aprons.  Next will be skirts.  I have two cut out already, and at least one more to make after that.

This tiny room off the kitchen is the busiest place!  It's 8x16  (I just realized it's almost the same size as Alan's shop, which is 9x16) and houses my huge desk w/ computer, a smaller desk with a sewing machine and two sergers on it, and a 24x60 reloading bench with storage shelves above.

At any given time, someone is doing something in here.  On occasion, three of us will be in here.  Alan might be loading ammo, while Darbi looks for work online and I sew or weave. 

Sometimes I really wish I had bought a bigger place. 

I had intended to.  When I left my ex with 150K in hand, I was planning to move further east to drier country.  Closer to my mom and my grandma.  Further from my ex.  But Marky decided to stay with his dad, and I knew if I moved 275 miles away, I'd virtually never get to see him.  And I couldn't do that to him, or bear the thought of not seeing him.

And I do love this place, everyone knows that.  But there are times when I think of a place I saw advertised back then.  It was 20 acres of rolling pasture.  There was a patch of woods, a year round creek, a barn (in need of much repair) and a huge old farmhouse.  They were asking 120k.  I can still picture that house. And I can so imagine having all that room. *wistful sigh*

Alas, I live in this tiny house.  And I love it.  And someday, when Mark and Darbi move out, it will almost seem like enough room.   Or perhaps I should start digging a basement.

A huge thunderstorm is heading our way.  The doppler is really impressive! Yay! I love storms!

Yesterday I cleaned stuff and was domestic for most of the morning.  Mark and I worked on the truck, and got it running, but soon discovered why we could 't get the timing right, and why it wasn't getting up to temp.  There is a horrible leak in the manifold gasket. *sigh*

I've ordered a new gasket, and sealer.  Hopefully I won't find anything else wrong when I get that little repair finished.  We need the truck!

Darbi and I went riding for awhile in the late afternoon, then I filled the tub and my little SC cup, lit the candles and had a wonderful soak.  Alan came home and visited me, but declined to join me. 

I drank too much, which was just fine until I also ate too much. Ugh.  Thanks to Alka Seltzer I managed not to puke, but only just.  It was a miserable hour or so.

This morning I have been doing laundry and working outside. Now I'm going to enjoy the storms. The thunder is really starting to roll now, and the rain is coming down harder.

I was out of here at 9AM, rocking out to Gordon Lightfoot *grin*  I stopped at Jack in the Box for a bite (yeah, I know, I'm bad) and when I got done ordering I realized I didn't have my debit card!!!  When I got to the window, I asked if they took checks (cuz my checkbook was in the car.... how many people even use checks anymore?) which of course they don't.  And the gal (who called me Ma'am *shudder* I can't be that old, can I!?) told me not to worry about it, she'd take care of it.

It wasn't much....like $3.  But still.  And she said she hoped I would find my card.  So, cheeseburger in hand, I flew home and promptly found my card.  It was in the pocket of the coat I was wearing when I took Stina home the other night.  I had stopped for gas. Silly me.

I went back to Jack in the Box, but she wouldn't take my money.  So I headed west for my shopping.

First to Walmart, where I picked up some odds and ends like Christmas ornaments, Power Bars, two small electric heaters, Splenda, and cinnamon candles. 

Then to the feed store, where I got rabbit, chicken, and horse feed.  I also told the owner about an ad I'd seen on craigslist for really cheap cattle feed.  Turns out it's cheaper than she is getting it for from another mill, closer, AND they deliver.  She was just thrilled, and was checking it out online when I left.  (It IS a killer deal... $70 cheaper a ton)

Then it was off to Winco, where I hit the bulk section for spices and pantry staples, and picked up a couple salads in the deli for Stina and I. 

So I went to Stina's.  Tristan ate part of his sandwich, played with his cookie and ate a few eeka's (crackers) before we put him down for his nap.  Then Stina and I played drug dealer in the driveway, dividing up spices into smaller containers so she could have some.  She envies my pantry.  I think for Christmas I'll get her a bunch of gallon containers, and a Winco gift certificate.  She'd enjoy that.

On the way back this direction I stopped at the produce place.  I got a few apples, a lot of pears, some not very good avacados, grapes, bananas, onions and sweet potatoes.

When I got back here I unloaded the car.  I was putting stuff away when Carlo stopped by.  He was still here when the kids came home.  After Carlo left, Darbi and I finally got everything crammed in the pantry, got a loaf of cheese bread started in the machine, and had the shower curtains washing with bleach.

Getting everything crammed in the pantry was really tough.  It surprised me to discover that every single container is full!  That's 600 canning jars, and about 65 canisters, buckets and one gallon jars of dry goods.  The chest freezer is full.  The big cupboard in the kitchen is full.  There is a pile of squash in the School Marm's house.  And there is still stuff in the garden to bring in.  I guess Stina has every right to be jealous. 

I am glad my kids both understand the importance of a stocked pantry.  Mark was thrilled when I told him yesterday that when he and Darbi get moved out, I am going to be giving them a bunch of jars.  Both of the kids will take virtually anything I give them in the way of food and supplies, and they are always helping get more.  The other day Stina asked me if I'd make some jerky for a friend of hers in trade for some elk meat.  Of course!!!!

Having a stocked pantry is nice for so many reasons.  Yes, we have food if some horrible emergency comes up.  But way more important is that I can step into my pantry and come out with everything I need to cook whatever.  From scratch.  Most people don't realize that cooking from scratch really doesn't take long at all.  I can have most meals on the table in 45 minutes or less.  It's just a matter of timing, organization, and having the ingredients on hand. 

Another reason a full pantry is nice is that I hate to shop.  If I could, I'd only shop once a year.  I've never managed that.  Yet.  As it is, I do a major shopping about 4 times a year.  Alan picks up milk and odds and ends on his way home from work in between.  And I try to keep that at an absolute minimum.  He's a good shopper... he rarely buys anything on impulse, and when he does, it's something useful.  He's also great at picking up stuff on sale.  (The rule is, if it's meat, and it's .99 a pound or less, bring it home.  But no hamburger)  Alan loves to shop.  He'd shop every day if we could afford it.

Not me.  I'd like nothing better than to only go into town once a year.  I'd think it was even cooler if I could do it with pack horses.  Seriously.  I was born 150 years too late. *sigh*

Oh well... I get to enjoy as much of the old ways as I can manage, and as much of the new as I can stand.  Not a bad way to be.

Yesterday was a pretty good day.  In the morning, Mark and I had a discussion about Alan, which I won't go into here.  But it helped, and that's good.

Then he and Darbi ran into town to run a few errands, and I went outside to yank blackberries out of the flowerbed behind the house.  I managed to whack myself in the eye with a stick during my work.  It still hurts.

Christina called and said that Steven was home, could I come and get her for riding?  Yes, I can.  And off I went.  I grabbed some lunch along the way and I have to reccommend Burgervilles bourbon baked beans to anyone here in the Northwest.  They rock.  And you easties?  Come visit.  Burgerville is a great destination. *grin*

Got lots of hugs and kisses from Tristan and Stina and I came back here.  Soon Mark, Darbi, Stina and I were all in the pasture catching horses.  It's literally been years since Mark and Stina have ridden together.  And Mark hasn't ridden since Belanna through him a few months ago.

So he rode Linnea. THAT was funny.  Mark is 6'3"!  And Linnea is about chest high on me. Add to that the fact that Marky was wearing an outback coat that made him look even bigger, and you have a lot of giggling going on.  But he really didn't want to ride a "big horse" just yet, and he'd never ridden Linnea.

I rode Muse, Darbi rode Nat, and Stina rode Six.  We had a fine time, roaming the neighborhood, laughing at the wind.  It is still howling, and we got hit with some impressive gusts.  

When we got back here we re-built the fire, brought up firewood, and cooked dinner.  Alan came home and then went over to C&D's for a bit.  Stina and I watched a movie, Mark and Darbi visited with friends in their room upstairs.  After the movie, I took Stina home and got more hugs and kisses from that little boy who looks alot like his Uncle Marky.

I slept in this morning.  My eye still hurts, but it's better.  I've got a shit-ton of work to do, and it's time to get to it.  And why does it feel like Friday to me?!?!

and glad of it. I guess there is some kinda reunion going on without me.  The only reason I know about it is because Nomad is posting, and that's always a good thing.  I have missed you, Woman!  Everyone else can just enjoy the reunion without me.

Anyway......

This past weekend was pretty good.  Everyone worked Sunday, but came home early and we all went riding.  That was awesome!  The weather has turned nice ('cept the wind is blowing) so I imagine we will get more saddle time in.  I thought Stina and I would ride yesterday, but she never called.

I putzed in the yard for a while, and made a discovery.  One that really ticked me off.  At some point in the past couple years, Alan cut a hole in the top of a 55 gallon drum that was about 1/3 full of 30 wt. oil.  (I got it free on craigslist, figuring we could use it for bar oil since it had a bit of water (condensation) in it)

Well, Alan didn't empty the drum, nor did he cover up the top.  Now it's full of water!!!! and the oil (which floats, duh) is now leaking all over the place, having been displaced by rainwater.  I am ever so disgusted.  I am not going to clean up that mess. Nope.  Not me.

I get stuck with all kinds of wretched messes around here.  And Alan is notorious for it.  I understand that he has limited time for projects around here, and I willingly and happily clean up after him, but you know, a woman has to draw the line somewhere.  And this is it.  I draw the line at dealing with 55 gallons of leaking oil and water.  HE can clean it up.

After I made that little discovery, I decided to work on the truck a bit.  I have been working on it a little at a time (as weather permits) ever since it broke down a couple weeks ago.  I'm getting there.  Right now I am replacing the intake manifold gasket on one side.  It's been leaking like crazy, which drive me nuts. 

I got all the bolts out on Sunday and got the new gasket in place.  Now I am replacing the bolts.  And ONE is not cooperating with me AT ALL.  It doesn't make sense.... I could see two or three bolts not wanting to go in.. that would mean something is not lined up right.  But ONE?  *sigh*
I explained all this to Mark and Alan last night and they said it's cuz I don't have enough muscle. *rolls eyes*

So, I suppose I'll get Mark to lay hands on it, see how far he gets.  Cuz my ribs are all bruised from hanging over the fender/hood brace/starter solenoid/battery trying to get that damned bolt back in.

Yesterday I also finished winding the warp for the bathroom rug I want to weave.  And I got about half of that warp sleyed through the reed.  I'll finish that today. 

My feet are cold.

Hmmm... so is my coffee.

And right now is one of those times when I want a gudang.  I used to light one up and go back and reread what I had written. *sigh*  Old habits die hard.

About my truck.... I really need to get it back on the road. I found a place to get feed cheap and I'd like to go pick up 30 or so bags.  It's the same feed I by here (well... about 15 miles away) for $6.25 a 50 pound sack, only it's $3.75 instead.  But I have to drive about 55 miles.  Still works out way cheaper, especially since I can store 28 bags.  I save about $45 when I figure in the extra gas.  Not bad.  And it gives me an excuse to drive the truck! *grin*

And since the truck was busted, I decided to do a bunch of stuff to it that I have been putting off.  The gasket is one thing.  Re-torquing the head bolts, and the intake manifold bolts was another.  Pressure wash the motor.  Do a complete tune-up.  It will be so nice to have the Green Bean running well again.  Too bad gas is so damned expensive.  Cuz I need to get out on the road more. I miss bombing around, listening to the stereo and bumping along gravel mountain roads.  I miss riding my horse all over too..... and I intend to do something about both.  Even if it's on a very small scale.

Cuz I think my sanity depends on it.

I've been having a hard time lately. Again. Still.  Whatever.  So it's once again time to pull myself up by my bootstraps, shake off this pity party and get my ass back to busy.  And if it doesn't work, I suppose I'll talk to a doctor in December, when we get medical insurance again.  (Yep... Alan's work decided to get insurance again. Yay!)

I hate to think about getting on meds, but this is getting ridiculous.  Seriously.  I have been pissed off WAY more than need be lately, and trying to keep from bawling a good share of the time.  That is NOT RIGHT.  Nor is right for me to be so disgusted with everyone (including myself) or indulging in pity parties on my own behalf.  Sheesh!

Okay, enough of that.  I'm gonna go have some coffee with Mark, enjoy some second hand smoke *grin* and get on with my day

Well, I'm still alive.  Still missing the smokes occasionally too. *sigh*  Less and less though.  But it's weird how I get so lost sometimes…. I sit down in the living room, and think "Where's my ashtray?  Where is my lighter? "  Or I find myself kinda dumbfounded when someone comes over for a visit… that was always a good time to grab my smokes and take a break.  Just a few things to get used to.....

It's been pretty wet and cold around here, but no wind.  Well, not much anyway.  Christina and I didn't ride on Monday (it POURED) but we did ride on Thursday.  She rode Six for the first time, and really liked her.  I am hoping she and I can ride a couple times a week all winter.  It's good for both of us.

Mark and Darbi are still here.  And Mark is finding out about a class on wind power generation maintenance.  It's a six month course and they will find you a job.  But you have to relocate.  Steven found out about it, and is going to do it too.  I live in terror of both of them getting jobs thousands of miles away.  I don't know if I could handle all the kids leaving at the same time... just doesn't seem fair.

Seriously, if I think about this, I get all teary and depressed. *sigh*  I know my kids are all grown up now, and have every right to move where they find jobs, but I don't relish the thought of not seeing them all the time.  But who knows.... maybe it will be good for me.  For now, I'm trying not to think about it.  No sense worrying too much over something I have no control over.

I seem to be getting over whatever stupid bug was making me not feel up to par.  But I am still having a lot of trouble sleeping.  I think I got two hours last night.  I tried to catch a couple more this morning after Alan left, but it was so broken up, I don't think it really counts.  I don't feel particularly bad for having missed so much sleep, but I am a bit slow.

I did get my sauerkraut and black beans canned.  And packed a quart jar with sun-dried tomatoes from the garden, complete with garlic, basil, oregano, and bay leaves.  YUM!

And I got the loom almost completely warped and ready for weaving when I made a bad mistake, got stuff all tangled up, tried to fix it (which made it much worse) and had to give up.  I ended up cutting everything off and I will start all over from scratch.  Oh well, I'm still learning.  That was only my third attempt at warping, so I guess I'm not doing too bad.

Well, I need to switch laundry and pick a chore for the rest of the day.  I'll be back Monday

I tried updating this a few days ago, but all I could do was whine about missing my gudangs, bitch about Alan, and generally feel sorry for myself.  I'm glad I didn't post all that.  It was depressing.  And while yes, I do miss my smokes, it's not that bad now.  I only miss them a couple times a day now, and not all that badly at that.  I was ready to quit.

The wedding went perfectly as planned, except for the cake falling over in the back of Papa's car.  I have NO idea what Wheezer was thinking when she had that cake fully assembled for transport.  A three layer cake on stilts is NOT gonna make it 25 miles on curvy roads. 

So, the cake was in pieces.  Hay covered pieces.  Yeah, Papa's car is routinely used to haul hay, so there were little pieces of hay stuck all over the broken cake.  I was sure glad we lit that huge old grange with candles and lamps... it was dim enough no one noticed the extra fiber. *grin*

But the ceremony went well... Christina giggling and smiling, Steven trying to be oh so serious.  I have some nice pictures that I'll post at some point, but not now.  I just don't feel like it. 

I've been feeling like shit off and on since the day of the wedding.  I got through that day running a fever, scrubbing floors in that cold grange hall, stoking the big wood stove to heat it, and hiding dirt whenever possible.  I survived watching Tristan for 5 days and four nights so the kids could honeymoon.  I have survived giving up smoking.  But I don't feel good.

Not bad enough to stay in bed, but not good enough to really do anything either. Ugh.  A headache that comes and goes.  A moderately sore throat that looks far worse than it feels.  I am cold sometimes.  Nothing tastes right.  My head is kinda stuffy.  And I have been having a really hard time sleeping.  Like I said, Ugh.  And I wish it would stop. Soon.

The new horse is doing very well.  I haven't done much with her cuz I've been busy and shitty, but she's settling in nicely and already looks much better.  Getting plenty to eat and running around on a hill with 5 other horses works miracles.  It's nice to see her trying to use her legs at high speeds.... she's never had room to run before, Poor thing.  And everyone picks on her, so she gets lots of exercise. 

The rabbit I bred had her babies, and mysteriously died the next day.  I have no idea why, but I was sure disgusted to lose her and nine baby rabbits.  One of those mornings I wish I didn't have a farm, you know?

And my does (the goats, not the rabbits) all got in with the buck. *sigh*  So they'll all be bred about 6 weeks ahead of schedule.  Otis is thrilled, I am not.  Hopefully the weather will cooperate for those March kids.

I still don't have the truck running, though we did figure out what happened to make it run so shitty.  The linkage fell off the accelerator pump.  Oooops, no secondaries!  Add to that the broken wires to the electric choke, and the need of a good tune-up, and you have pinging, knocking, and no power. 

So, I decided it was time for a major tune-up, new fluids, and some other stuff that really needed to be done.... like new valve cover gaskets, new exhaust manifold gaskets, a power washing and re-torqueing of a bunch of bolts.  I probably won't have it running for a few days... we are supposed to get dumped on by rain the next couple days.  But I got the tune-up done, and the motor clean, got parts, and took of the valve covers.

During the rain I'll be doing some paperwork and paying bills.  Weeeee.  And canning black beans and sauerkraut (not together).  I'll be finishing up the warping of the loom too... maybe even get started weaving.  Christina said she was coming over to ride Monday, but we'll see if she's brave enough to do it when it's pouring.  I'm game. *grin*

She came over last Wednesday and we rode the "pokey ponies" (Nat and Linnea)  and had a blast as usual.  Thursday I rode Muse in a wonderful morning fog, and had a blast.  I wanted to ride today, but just couldn't justify it with the way I feel, especially when it took all my strength to do chores, dishes and laundry (and I had Alan's help with the laundry)

So, perhaps tomorrow I will ride in the rain.  We'll see.

Until then........